Weighty Matters

Ever notice how, when the American Cancer Society, the American Heart Association, the Food Police (uh, I mean, the Center for Science in the Public Interest), etc. hold forth about the contributions of obesity to life-threatening diseases, they often sound like they’re… well… preaching? I’ve dropped about 30 pounds since I wrote this doggerel, but I still have a very low tolerance for the preaching. An example may be instructive; here’s…

A Short, Fat Sermon

“Thou shalt not be fat; thou shalt ever be thinner;
Thy body’s a temple; a diner’s a sinner.”
Hear bellowing organ and hymnody choral,
As Reverend informs us that FAT IS IMMORAL!

“Rewarded Hereafter are those with restraint:
Who liveth the longest becometh a saint.”
Your soul’s in the balance if will-power fails,
Or, rather, it’s resting on GOD’S BATHROOM SCALES!

“Regret every taco and each enchilada,
Or all of your virtues will add up to nada.
Forgo all the chocolate, chili and cheese,
‘Cause Heaven’s no place for the soul who’s OBESE!

The doctrine we learn at Obesity Church: you
Must age to decrepitude: suffering’s a virtue.
Be certain each calorie duly you’ve reckoned;
Survive ’til you’re ninety… and HATE EVERY SECOND!

– The Yellow Doggerelist

(October 1999)

Copyright © 1999 Stephen S. Bates

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